The past year year has been very difficult for me in so many ways. However, I won't bore you with all the depressing details. But I do want to share with you one of the situations I had to face since I am now able to talk about it without feeling like I am losing my mind.
In the past year, I had several miscarriages. This has not been an easy road. In fact, it has been rough, challenging, and beyond painful. I will try my best to convey the feelings, emotions, and turmoil I have been living the past year.
The first miscarriage came after a miracle. Prior to Popeye and I conceiving, I had been told by numerous doctors that I would not be able to carry full term and that the only means for us to have children would be to have a surrogate mother or adopt. We had tried several methods and medications (within our financial means) and nothing had proven to be effective. So after much testing the deemed me incapable of conceiving . That was such a hard concept to grasp. We had been trying for 3 years at that point with no avail. I had cried and yelled at God on numerous occasions. I no longer knew how to cry and deep sadness had turned into bitterness and a dark heart. I didn't care anymore and things that would normally make me cry, all I could say was I am so sorry to hear and my heart would break but I had no more tears to cry. It took me over a year to come to terms with that. But I finally had accepted it and had decided to enjoy life and love on other peoples children and started doing some research regarding adoption. We aren't planning on adopting at the moment, but it is something we will consider later on down the road when we are in a better financial state and a bit more stable in life.
We were visiting my mother in law one holiday season, when Popeye asked the pastor of her church to pray for us as a couple because the military life is very taxing and takes a lot of prayer, hard work and commitment to survive. The pastor and one of the prayer warrior teams took us aside and prayed for us, our marriage and the safety of Popeye and his crew as they deploy often. Two of the ladies in the group praying for us, suddenly paused and looked at me and said to me, God has different plans, your body is not what the doctors say, and they began to pray over my womb. I began to cry, it was the first time in over a year that I had cried or shed a tear for that matter. A few weeks later, my husband and I were sitting on our couch when he looks at me and tells me that I am pregnant. We took a home test and sure enough, he was correct. God had answered prayers and performed a miracle. The next several weeks were a whirlwind. I had morning sickness very badly but I was enjoying every moment of it because it meant that there was a baby growing inside of me. Then one day just as quickly as it had started, everything stopped and life changed yet again. After a doctors appointment and several tests later, I was told I had miscarried. My heart broken into a trillion pieces. I cried until I could cry no more. I screamed at the ocean one evening until I had no voice. I couldn't function anymore. I didn't eat, I didn't clean, I didn't do much of anything. I stopped attending church, bible study, I even shut out a lot of my friends and family.
I eventually went back to church and began functioning again. Shortly there after we got pregnant again. But unfortunately, that baby didn't make it either. The grief and pain came back with a vengeance.
People would tell me I know exactly how you feel or I totally get where you care coming from but they don't. Yes there are several people who sadly experience miscarriages but everyone is different. We are all on individual journeys even if situations are similar. It really angered me when people would say "I understand your pain", especially if they have a kid in their arms. Over time my heart became hardened and bitter. I have no more tears to cry and no more feelings. My heart is black. Sometimes I get sad or angry when I hear of others getting pregnant. And yet there are some that I'm genuinely happy and filled with joy at the news of their pregnancy. But I am not alone in this grief... He won't talk to me about it but I know it was and is hard for Popeye. I wish he would talk to me about it but all I can do is pray for him. We all deal with grief differently.
Though this has been a painful process, God has shown me He is still in the miracle business. God keeps reminding me that He has a good plan despite the trials we face. He also has proven that He won't give up on me even though I gave up on Him. I still have a long way to go but I'm definitely on the road to healing and restoration.
